Chaos is NOT ok.

...continued from Instagram @relentless_rebel_ria I feel like I don't deserve to have someone like him, to make me laugh (a lot), to support me and just believe in me. No matter what. And I mean, no matter what. We've been through some shit. Done some trash shit to each other. Being with someone with a mental health disorder isn't easy. Being with someone for 22 years is harder. My moods change on whim. I'm eccentric. I change my mind constantly. I over analyze everything. I'm impulsive and become obsessed with the smallest things. I'm loud. I'm spacy. I think outside the box. Constantly. He checks up on me. Realizes I haven't been taking my meds. He leaves out my journal. He gets me new pens. He knows that journaling helps me figure out the knots in my head. That it helps me reach the " aha" moment I need to get over my limiting beliefs. Understand that I need my meds. I need them because I am NOT like everyone else And frankly, that's why he loves me. Journaling and meds have helped me untangle the negative. Accept that I sabotage myself. That my limiting beliefs will rule if I don't actively work on them. Those beliefs are the shit that always holds me back from being my BEST self. So I write that negative talk down. Whenever I have them. When I notice I am not being my best self. I write it so I can see how ridiculous it sounds. Then I write the opposite and find facts that support that NEW belief. So my "Don't you look ridiculous at 43 walking around in a sports bra and tight ass leggings?" Becomes👇🏽 "You are the fittest you've EVER been in your life. Be PROUD and show off what you built. Your age doesn't matter, and you empower women of ALL ages to get stronger and healthier". This bullshit 😒 " You are still out of shape with those back rolls" Becomes " You MADE two humans. That is SKIN and it's normal to have!" This crap "You gained too much fat, you can't even train yourself" Becomes ⬇️ "Stop. You gained 5 lbs from 6 months ago, 10 lbs from last year. You know most of that is muscle. Like you advise your clients, trust the process". Ugh, the new one. "You're too old to do this, get a real job" That becomes a chant in my head. "Vera Wang started in her 40s, and so have a lot of sucessful women. Building a business takes time and patience". So I'm taking my meds again. Accepting they're doing what they're supposed to be doing. Rewiring my chaos state. Not to a state of "other" but to a state of balance. It's NOT ok to live in a state of constant chaos. It's NOT ok to dislike yourself. Therapy helps, a qualified practitionet will take those knots and help YOU unravel them. But YOU have to put the work in.